2006 so far as been nothing but one giant case of deja vu. And its all w/ a bunch of sucky shit. Do you know how badly that sucks?? Why cant it be a repeat of a the best day of my life instead?? Why must I relive some of the worst moments of my life? And WHY do all these awful moments occur in February? Its scary guys. We're talkin' down to the day deja vu. Of course, a year or 2 apart...but still. What gives??!

I gotta do something though. I'm not gonna have this year go down the way it has thus far.

But before I shy away completely from the negativity...

Can I get a big FUCK-YOU shout out to Valentine's day? I seriously...SERIOUSLY fuckin' hate this shit. And its not at all for typical reasons. I just hate it. Hate the red and the pink combination, the cheap shit they sell at walgreens, chocolate boxes in the shape of hearts, purple teddy bears holding red hearts that say "hug me", girls wearing red to class..ugh! Its all so tacky and gross and completely pointless. I've never liked this holiday and I doubt I ever will. Sooo. If you share in my sentiments...feel free to leave a big FUCK YOU V-DAY message as a comment!

In my 7th grade biology class, Mrs. Huffanagel asked for a show of hands indicating who watched the superbowl the night before. Out of 27 students, I was the only one whose hand wasnt raised.

Though that was 10 years ago, I'm sad to say that is still the case. I've never seen a game and I wonder if I ever will. Theres nothing really wrong w/ it..it just doesnt interest me all that much and because of this, I feel horribly alone on this "holiday". Everyone else is buying snacks, stocking up on beer, having people over for the "big game", and I'm watching whatever marathon they decide to air on bravo. Granted its my choice, but it sucks that my choice makes me feel like that. Sucks that I'm either stuck watching something I dont even give a shit about or being all alone and left out of the superbowl mania that appears to take over every household located in the United States. So. That is why I hate superbowl sunday.

Anyway, I start student teaching tomorrow and I was wondering if I should delete my lj and myspace accounts. I know I can change the search options...somehow...but I'm a little rocky as to how to do that...so if anyone has any info, that would be great. I'd really rather not delete both, but if I gotta...I guess thats the case.

In the meantime, enjoy your "holiday".

( There's an Island Across the Sea...Beautiful Hawaii... )

To me the end of a trip is always marked by the unpacking of the suitcase.

Usually it starts small with your toothbrush or shampoo, but once you start, it is all down hill from there. This is typically because your suitcase, once packed neatly and in impeccable order, now resembles more of a half off bin full of random shit no one would ever even consider buying found at a thrift store than clothing you ever actually wore. You no longer care about wrinkles or neatness. Your suitcase now resembles more of a war zone than a piece of luggage and your main concern is just how you're going to close your already overpacked suitcase now that your $80 worth of souvenirs must fit in there too. You jam stuff here, shove stuff there, roll things up in one another, consider wearing multiple layers of clothing, sit on the case so the teeth are at least remotely near each other. Anything to get it all in and ready for your journey home. And once you get home? Good luck finding it all...remembering where exactly you stashed your favorite pair of socks and oh so important face lotion.

In some cases, in my case, this act does nothing but create sadness in my heart. I didnt want to leave and having to invent creative ways to close my suitcase really wasnt one of the things I wanted to be concerned with in that moment...especially since I knew the real ending was growing nearer by the minute: the moment in which I would have to unpack.

To me, it is as if my packed suitcase is the only thing linking me to my trip that has since come and gone. It serves as the only bridge that simultaneously connects me to the past as well as the present. By having to unpack it, I find myself facing horribly vivid images reminding me of the sadness of leaving, of not wanting to go, of the anxiety surrounding the goodbye, and the devastation of taking those first few steps completely alone. The bag, which has followed me through the excitement in the beginning, the delight in the middle, and the pain at the end, becomes a constant symbol I cant seem to shake...nor let go of.

Tonight I faced that moment square in the face as I searched for my shampoo.

My trip is officially over...

Its 6 hrs before I leave for hawaii

and I'm not at all ready to go.

I best get a move on.

But I wanted to say...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy the snow and the cold weather and your families and the home cooked christmas dinner and the presents and the desserts and the decorations and the christmas carols and the holiday scents and whatever else represents christmas for you!

I'm gonna miss all that this year and I'm definitely going to miss all of you. Make the best of christmas 2005 kids.

I promise to bring ya back something french!

First off, let me extend a biiiiiig thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. They were all wonderfully nice and unique in their own way. I have never felt more loved!

Secondly, my little sister asked me what my favorite thing in the whole wide world was today. After specifying that it couldnt be a person, I said the internet. Her reply was, "really?" and now I'm left wondering...does that make me a loser? I mean, at the time it made sense. You can communicate on the internet, download music, do research...its like an all inclusive type deal. But now I dont know...

What would you guys say was your favorite thing in the world?

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review".

January: It's been almost a week since christopher left and for the most part, I'm doing alright.

Febuary: Here's Christopher's Navy address...

March: Oh. I can do better than simply TELL you about what's been going on in my life...I'll show you!

( The road is long, the directions are few... )

April: Yep, thats right boys. After Fall semester 2005, I'm DONE with this ISU shit.

May: Yes, I went to viginia beach last weekend to visit christopher.

June: Never...in my 5 years of experience at the Round lake area park district...have I ever witnessed a first week of camp where temperatures were in the 90s.

July: Though not in Philadelphia, Christopher's 1st day of leave, 1st day of freedom is today!

August: As my first week of school is about to come to a close, I'm thinkin' nows a good time to finally post all the pictures I took over summer. (We're All Goin' On a Summer Holiday)

September: As a frequent watcher and supporter of www.orbitz.com, I've come to realized 2 things:

October: I watched over 12 hrs of the first season of LOST yesterday.

November: Remember when I used to update on a fairly regular basis?

December: As this is the last week of classes, it is most likely going to be a bitch

Apparently christopher was a huge part of my year and I like to use "as" as much as possible to begin each entry. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

Heathers is so much better than mine..

Everytime I get in the car, magic 100.7 is playing some version of "I'll be home for christmas" or "theres no place like home for the holidays". Being as this is my first time away from home for the holidays, perhaps I'm just paying more attention to the lyrics...but I dont know guys. Maybe there IS no place like home for the holidays and I'm about to have the worst vacation of my life. One where theres a fluke and every day, because its the winter season, it is going to rain...or christopher isnt going to have any days off nor will he be able to take leave or I'll lose all my luggage, fall off of diamond head, get eaten by a shark, get food poisoning, have no place to stay cuz the Arizona will be booked, develop skin cancer, or never even make it to hawaii...cuz my plane will crash.

I could see it happening. And you know what? Forget should be scared. I am scared!







And speaking of scared, when did lj update its layout?!!

As this is the last week of classes, it is most likely going to be a bitch. Being an english major is usually good...because the number of tests we take our few and far between...but I have to wonder if I would prefer those other the portfolios always asked of us. I'm guessing that would be a big fat yes.

I just realized an additional section necessary for my Eng 296 portfolio due wednesday. I thought I had that one in the bag...what w/ just compiling all the work I've ever done. Guess NOT. That means I'll most likely be chaining myself to the computer lab in Degarmo tomorrow night as well.

Tonight calls for the completion of my lesson plans assignment that is actually due today...but my teacher doesnt need to know its not done. Its turned in via livetext and she just had a death in the family. The odds are in my favor.

If I can get that done tonight, type up my observation reports, put together my Eng 296 portfolio, and study for my C&I 233.01 final tomorrow night, I should be golden. Then the only thing left is to fix my senior thesis and write a bullshit essay for part 2 of the C&I 233.01 fine and I'm dooone.

I've been waiting for this moment all semester...and I keep saying "yes! I'm done w/ college...no more ISU". But then it hit me. I'm not done w/ college yet. I still have to student teach! And, if I thought this semester was hard my friends, I'm in for a real treat next semester. GOD that shit is gonna suck. Why cant I just be finished now??!!

Ugghhhh. To make matters worse, I was just hit by a horrible headache/stomach ache combo. Its always nice when your body randomly decides to sabotage you.

NOT TO MENTION! I think I seriously got superficial frostbite over the weekend working lights up. My toes are still tingly and slightly numb from standing in the snow for 8 hrs on saturday. Not a good sign my friends.

Just gotta keep thinking...3 weeks to hawaii. Ohh I cannot wait...

Goal this week: show everyone I know some form of affection.


Instead of focusing on ending my last semester at isu successfully, I have decided to focus on my bad friend qualities. I rarely return phone calls, reply to emails, leave lj or myspace comments, and forget about people's walls on facebook. I've never gone near one. All of my other friends are very very good at this and I just plain suck! Am I too self absorbed? Unfortunately, I think thats the case. Its an awful way to be. So...

This week I have decided to change it! I've tried my best to respond to emails, comments, phone calls. Basically my message is..."hey. I'm there for you. No. I havent forgotten. Here. Let me show you."

And you know what friends?? I really havent forgotten about you. Thats an honest statement. I read everything you guys produce...sometimes multiple times...and I actually look forward to all of it...I just never get around to tell you so. BUT!

But. That is about to change.

Mark my words.

I may never be the type of person to send everyone christmas cards or give thoughtful christmas gifts to everyone that matters, but damnit, I can try cant I?

...why there are fruit flies in our apartment...when we dont have any fruit?

I was nearly attacked by these little bitches today and I didnt like it. DIDNT LIKE IT ONE BIT!

So, if anyone has any suggestions as to why or ways in which to destroy these whores, please let me know.

I'll admit, after finding out I got an 8 out of a possible 15 on the university writing exam, I was reasonably upset. Writing has always been an area in which I excelled. And not just in my opinion. Others have concurred. But this? This little test and that pesky little 8 made me question everything I once knew to be true. As an English major, writing is supposed to be one of my strong suits. Not to mention, in a matter of 3 months, I'm expected to teach others how to write. How is that even possible if I cant do it myself? It just hurt to hear..

But then I got to thinking. Everyone I've asked has gotten an 8 on the exam...and, knowing for experience, w/ a score of 8, they "strongly recommend taking additional writing courses to improve your skill". Now. If you think about it, if the vast majority of those taking the exam are all told the same thing and SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO THE SUGGESTION, that means more students enrolled in writing classes. And what does that mean? More money in ISU's pocket.

Its clearly all a scam! You take this exam your junior/senior year of college. How is it possible you've even made it this far if you cant write? Yeah. It isnt. I'm almost willing to put money on the fact that they dont even read the essays. They just give everyone an 8 so everyone starts to panic and immediately enrolls in additional courses. Quite a little scam the university's running if I do say so myself!

But just out of curiosity, what have the rest of you received? I know 2 people who didnt get an 8. And they said they wrote the 5 paragraph essay...which is another topic altogether as we're told from day one NOT to write that shit. WHY praise those using this strategy if that doesnt even indicate good writing????

OH MY GOD I AM EXCITED TO BE GRADUATING IN MAY!

I BOUGHT MY TICKET TO HAWAII TODAY!!

Miraculously, when I checked prices today, it had dropped from $956 to $674!!

I've NEVER seen this price during peak traveling season so I seized the opportunity!

Look. Here!

Passenger(s): CRISTIN CASTANEDA

Sunday, December 25, 2005
US Airways # 8109 Operated by: AMERICA WEST AIRLINES -- HP 652 - Please check in with the operating carrier

Chicago O'Hare International (ORD) to Phoenix Sky Harbor Intl (PHX)
Departure (ORD): December 25, 5:00 AM CST (morning)
Arrival (PHX): December 25, 7:40 AM MST (morning)
Class: Economy

Seat assignment: 13D

Sunday, December 25, 2005
US Airways # 8390 Operated by: AMERICA WEST AIRLINES -- HP 920 - Please check in with the operating carrier

Phoenix Sky Harbor Intl (PHX) to Honolulu/Oahu International (HNL)
Departure (PHX): December 25, 11:30 AM MST (morning)
Arrival (HNL): December 25, 3:24 PM HST (afternoon)
Class: Economy

Seat assignment: 34C


--------------------------------

Thursday, January 5, 2006
US Airways # 8393 Operated by: AMERICA WEST AIRLINES -- HP 925 - Please check in with the operating carrier

Honolulu/Oahu International (HNL) to Phoenix Sky Harbor Intl (PHX)
Departure (HNL): January 5, 11:59 PM HST (evening)
Arrival (PHX): January 6, 8:51 AM MST (morning)
Class: Economy

Seat assignment: 24C

Friday, January 6, 2006
America West # 3

Phoenix Sky Harbor Intl (PHX) to Chicago O'Hare International (ORD)
Departure (PHX): January 6, 9:49 AM MST (morning)
Arrival (ORD): January 6, 2:14 PM CST (afternoon)

I even get to stay a day longer than planned! OOooo. Of course, a 5 am flight on christmas morning is gonna suck...as is the 3 hr and 50 min layover in phoenix. But oh well. Can you leave an airport if you have a long enough layover?

There's still the issue of the Arizona to work out...but at least the ticket has been bought and if I have to spend a few nights in a cheap motel "I dont give a fuck"

But yes. Perhaps I'm not a jinx at all! Unless, maybe I got this flight cuz I'm destined to die in a plane crash.....

Yeah...lets not start thinking about that...

Do you guys believe in jinxs?

Cooome on, admit it. You know you do. Even if you basically dont, there still some part of you that doesnt like to risk things on the off chance that this whole jinxing bit might turn out to be true. Like that part that never specifically mentions something you're excited about...cuz ya might jinx it from happening? Or you might have to "knock on wood" and even then you dont feel secure? And you most CERTAINLY never say what you wished for. Everyone knows thats a surefire way of preventing it from every happening!

Welcome to my world.

I came to the realization that not only am I surprisingly supersticious, I am also a jinx to myself. Ohh its happened on more than one occasion, lemme tell ya. First encounter? Being 9 years old and telling my mother "hey, we havent gotten in any arguments lately" (we fought a lot...and still do actually) and my dad saying "ohh you just jinxed it". Sure enough, we had a huge argument later that day. LATER that day! Thats how rapid the jinx effect is.

I've always had the pseudo thought in my mind that I was a jinx...but never full acknowledged it...until this morning.

As you know, it was just last night that I decided to disclose my Hawaii plans. I've been putting this off in FEAR that I would one day, go back to read this lj, and think "man, that hawaii trip never happened, did it?" I hate when that happens. But yesterday, I decided that as we approach the date, I think I'm in the clear. Christopher was figuring out his leave days, the price of tickets was remaining a steady $765, it all looked like it was going to happen. Until about 12:00 this morning...

Christopher, being underway, sent me a message saying the Arizona (where we would stay) does not take reservations. Well, to someone making a 5,000 mile trip, its a little unsettling to know there stands a huge possibility that I might not have a place to stay once I get there. So, I started looking up alternative hotels, hostels...campsites. Being the holiday season, EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER is traveling to Hawaii and a lot of places do not have vacancies. There are still a few in mind, however they are much MUCH more expensive than the $35/night the Arizona was promising.

So. I think to myself "Well, we could probably still swing it". Ohhh sure, the trip would probably surpass our limit of $2,000...but its to see christopher. I was willing to pay...until (:30 this morning.

The already expensive ticket price of $765 has now been raised to...$956. Yeah. Chew on that for awhile.

Now without a definite place to stay and no solid fall back plans and a plane ticket for the price of original airfare and lodging, I have no clue where this trip stands.

So clearly. I am a jinx to myself.

And I am horribly saddened.

Remember when I used to update on a fairly regular basis?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE DAYS?!

To sound ultra nerdy, I'm very disappointed with myself for not keeping up w/ this. I loooove going back and reading old entries "(again, excuse the nerdiness) and now theres nothing to read! NOT TO MENTION...I'm sure you guys have been bored STIFFLESS on account of my vacant journaling...har har har.

So with that. Let us proceed.

Three things that need to happen IMMEDIATELY
1. My bank account enriched by $1,000,000,000...or more.
2. The end of the semester
3. My trip to Hawaii

Between my lack of funds, 36 hrs of observations, 16 hrs of classes, student teaching requirements, car repairments, inSANE teaching assignments, and working out, I NEED A BREAK!

Though I typically like the high paced, high stressed lifestyle...enough is ENOUGH! I JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! HOPEFULLY Hawaii will prove to be just the break that I need. I'm scheduled to leave christmas day and stay through january 4th. While spending christmas day all alone on various airplanes in various airports is not exactly my idea of fun, I think it'll be well worth the hassle to finally be able to say "mele kalikimaka" when it actually applies! Oh...and to see christopher. Ohhh to see christopher. Mmm after 5 months it is going to be sooo nice. Of course the trip is going to cost a small fortune so I am accepting donations. Have I overstayed my welcome? I think soooo..

But how was it? Did you like the update? Did you learn a lot? Were you well entertained? Could you see yourself reading more of these? How did this entry make you feel?

Answer those questions and you'll know what its like to be a bullshit English teacher. You'll know what its like to be me.

"Follow me!"
"Auf Wiedersehen!"

I give my teaching demonstration today.

In my mind, I am not as prepared as I should be.

Because of this, I had a dream last night where I was teaching at Uhigh and ROBIN WILLIAMS was my cooperating teacher. And not only that, the class I was teaching was... ALGEBRA .

So, I've got crazy Robin running around yelling at kids...several of them are crying. Of course he let out his funny side RIGHT before it was time for me to teach to ensure that all the kids would love him and think I was the lamest teacher ever.

But then, it was time for recess or something? Which I thought was great...more time to plan my lesson. But it was there that I realized... I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO ALGEBRA!! I knew how to get the answers w/ a calculator...but couldnt do them on the board and it finally, 20 mins before I was supposed to teach, dawns on me that that is not going to be acceptable. I actually have to show them how to do the work. HOW, do I SHOW someone how to do something if I myself cant even do it??? <-- biggest underlying fear of teaching...right there.

Of course then the office calls me down because I didnt sign out and I'm getting frustrated because I dont have time for that...gotta teach myself algebra in 15 mins, RGIS people show up and make sure I'm working for them later that night.

It was bad...all bad. I blame the week and all its hectic-ness. But, good news! In my final semester before student teaching...I think I've realized that I dont want to be a teacher. Thats always cool huh.

Life sucks.

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

The above poem, for those who dont know, was the direct inspiration for the formation of the Red Hat Society. At the hilton for Heather's birthday, we had the pleasure of witnessing the madness and mayhem that occurs when you get 400 red hat-purple dress wearing old ladies together. These ladies were singin' "99 bottles of beer on the wall", getting wasted in the hotel's bar, ridin' up and down elevators. It was awesome.

The whole reason behind the "(dis)organization" of the group is for woman over 50 to just go crazy in their old age. It embraces friendship, silliness, negating the "act your age" mantra, and not seeing 50 as the end, but rather the beginning.

I am in love with that idea. I hate the image of older women thinking their life has come to an end as their children are all grown up, perhaps their husband is dead...its just such an unpleasant thing to look forward to. This group celebrates aging and if life after 50 is going to be like this, sign me up! I personally cannot WAIT to join! And I love how Sue Ellen Cooper, the Queen Mother, used Jenny Joseph's poem as a bases for the whole society. Though some looked ridiculous in their extravagant red hats and hideous purple dresses, the image epitomizes everything they stand for: breaking with convention.

I want to be this crazy and wild when I'm 50+. If I can accomplish that, I will die completely fulfilled.

...get caught masturbating by your mother -OR- catch your mother masturbating?


Eplain your reasoning.

I watched over 12 hrs of the first season of LOST yesterday.

I barely studied for a test.

I barely cleaned the house.

I barely talked to anyone.

I barely ate.

I didnt go anywhere.

I didnt see anyone...

Does ANYONE else see this as a problem? Perhaps I wouldnt if when dozing on the phone last night, I didnt start telling christopher about the people floating on the raft...or if I didnt look at the people in my classes and wonder what they'd be useful for on the island.

I was walking home from class today and this wild animal ran in front of me. I immediately imagined what it would be like to have to track it down and kill it for food. A big flock of birds then squawked overhead and I pretended I was on the island...navigating my direction by their flight pattern...jumping over huge tree roots and puddles instead of train tracks and broken beer bottles...

Luckily for me, I finished the last 20 mins of the first season today...so theres nothing else to watch. But in my Lost manic state, I discovered the SECOND season airs on wednesdays. I see a horrible cycle ending w/ me taking a trip to australia muttering "4 8 15 23 42"

The show. Its just too good...

Though I'm convinced this is all a ploy to get comments, I was curious what Ms. Bartik would say about me so looks like I too need to post this.

But wait.

Maybe thats just the cynic in me talking. Maybe its all about reliving memories and personal relationships and how they are often forgotten, thrown to the way-side,and need regathering?

Yeah...we'll see.

THIS IS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS. Lol of course hopefully I've hung out w/ you, but you know what, if I havent...I'm pretty good at makin' shit up!

Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.